I am writing this and my greater internal organs reared up in some great amount of painingly extreme revolutionizing reaction as I tried to recall what I heard and saw today.
I'm sitting here at Cabin, my friend Joyce's "secret place" (it's really really hard to find), sipping on my Irish Coffee (it's good coffee, and you can actually taste the alcohol in it - I sometimes feel hypnotized watching the blue flame when she was making it). Quite lethargic, I'm feeling, maybe I should take a nap soon. Although I do still have the essay to work on --basically even though I was the "excellent graduate" of this Chinese school, since my tutor never bothered to lift a finger to look at my essay or to even give any suggestions, the review board thought I "didn't pay much attention", so they'd need me to make more changes. So I called my tutor...
Me: "So the review board asked me to make some more changes for my essay. Do you have time to meet up and discuss?"
Her: "But I'm so busy!"
Me: " I don't care. I need this essay to graduate."
Her:" Didn't you have an essay that won some awards? You can use it to graduate"
Me:" It's not the same. I need to make changes in THIS essay."
Her:" But I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."
Me:" I don't care. I need you to find time for me"
Her:"How about this, I'll find you some other teachers, so you can ask them to make changes for you."
Me:" What if they don't have time?"
Her: "I'll find some other teacher"
Me: "You know, if you were that busy, why didn't you tell me in the first place that you couldn't be my tutor?"
Her: "...you don't seem to have the right attitude"
Me: "I'll try to work on it"
------------------the END--------------------
Apparently, as a good Chinese student/excellent graduate, I need NOT to talk back and just "behave" and do whatever I'm told to do. Later on that phone call she went on to say how she heard from some other teacher complaining how i "never" had the right attitude to study, for example "didn't do well in Japanese class" when half of the semester i was involved in all kinds of competition they made me go. Anyways, I shouldn't be complaining. I'm just gonna play along and be as submissive as I can, and give them the finger after getting that piece of paper. It just sucks how my "glorious excellent graduate" life ends.
These days I'm having a bit trouble having faith in people. The other day my friend Matt was telling me how in his company, there were many pretty girls - which I'd think is a bonus to the job - and they are shamelessly open. Maybe guys dig that, I dunno. He said some of the girls in his company would wear super short skirts and would deliberately lift them up to people behind, and say "yes, this is my pantie, peek away"; and the women in the company- with almost NO EXCEPTION, sleep with as many men as possible, and according to them, the more people you sleep with, the faster you'll climb to the top in the company. I know it might be the general fact in every company, but when I have it thrown at me, the bare fact, it still gets me. Maybe it's just part of growing up--sad, pathetic, knowing there's nothing you can do but let it be.
And I've come down to this...
People... would stop to hold their hands. Heavy weight placed on sleek fingers. The words we speak to each other might seem less and trivial with time, and the happenings we have taken part in would pass fast before we even realize it. I wish someone could answer the essential question to what fills all, to what fills everything that is nothing and forces us to become more. I know I spent hours looking at your hard face and almost threatening you into telling me if you understood. In the end, I did. You still would provide no answers.
All which remains: stale sheets, broken candles and some smothered old letters which will only make you cry. My own eyes are dry now, having forgotten your name.
Distance would never have bothered me this much, but it had to be the distance of your heart.
