before you reads on, this is rather a private, personal, intimate blog, where I tend to think since it's confidential, I can keep a diary online as long as this site dont get hacked. Not to come here to scream, to yelp or what not, nor to flag and proudly shows off my personal life to close friends, i'm just here for myself, and for those who kindly reads, and leave a comment or two.

So, I've been recalling, observing, listening, and reading alot about Chinese women, how some of them find it impossible to resist western guys, white crackers mostly. I got a mail from my friend in Canada who just got back from shanghai telling me how easy women could be at his mercy. Any age, any time, any where. Of course and how he thinks Chinese women are hot lovers, simply bcuz once you got them to spread their legs, they become slutty whores. It stroke me, I thought bout me, started to wonder if I ever was one of them. I know I've always looked down on the choices people like Faye( I'd elaborate on that later) made, those gold diggers, those girls who are so desperate to settle down. And there I wondered, how different am I to them?! I had people talking to me aboutFaye, how cheap/cheesy/easy she can be. What if people talk to each other bout me with the same tone?! I've always been proud of who I am and what I do. I'm a decent person, I don't feel ashamed of the decisions I make, or the things I do. But then I look and think about these girls who are indulgent and gullible enough to let these people, mostly twice or thrice their age to take advantage of them, and then I felt a sense of shame. They r pretty much tricked, no matter if they're half willingly, into the situation to be taken advantage of and they let just it happen right to their face. So I thought about me, who i always thought was nothing like any other regular Chinese gals you might see in China-- but maybe I'm not as cultured as I thought, or as beautiful a mix of east and west, LOL. And I remembered.. the time when I was sitting in the bars in Shanghai, letting the music, the dimmed light took me high, the time when I let go of myself..I could feel those guys whose sight lingered on my face, my lips, my breast, my hips, and heard them whistle as I walked by..things got hazy.. I don't know how to feel back then, yet I remember I let it controlled me, and changed into a fox-alike creature and just went after my preys.


Most of my ''friends'' think this self-inflection is waaayy beyond necessary and most of them do still think i do this waay too often. I simply want to keep myself on my toes so I don't become stagnant, or too satisfied with whatever situation I might be in. What makes me stand out from most of the other women, is probably that I'm aware. I'm aware of what's going on, and I'm willing to speak up, stand out, and most Chinese women lack that kind of ability or confidence. I'm also rather open minded too, for I can always convert these outside message and info to something I can learn from, absorb it before the possibility to toss it away. So that might reflect on my taste on guys. Unlike most people (girls i mean) who are waiting to be chased, I'm not afraid to chase after my preys. That might scare alot of people off, as we all know most guys like girls that are.. you know..girls. Guys like to feel powerful and know that are taking the lead. I can make them feel that way, too, just not without losing myself. I like guys that are aware, of who they are, what they want, people with distinct desire/needs instead of little pussies who have great difficulty choosing what tie should they wear. Basically people that I can fish something out of, or in better terms, to learn something from. But sometimes, as I recall, I was cruel enough to toss them away after finding out they were nothing but an empty shell and thus my words towards them became fierce, which I kinda regret, I mean, they didn't really do anything wrong. I just had my eyes on wrong people, or i had done fishing. It sounds unbelievably selfish, as if i was some Nazi harvesting Jews for their skin just so that I can make lamps. Very inappropriate metaphor but its almost 2 am so I'd try not to be too hard on myself. That's another problem with me, I make excuses for myself. We all do, but as for someone who's almost harsh on herself, I shouldn't make as many as most others do.

so here's where I got stuck at. After all these mumbling about myself, I still can't clearly come to an conclusion whether am I like these women, these women who's been played on, or am I just lying to myself that I'm not, or maybe, just maybe, that I could be the one that's right?

to be continued...