So, on a totally unrelated note -- oh, no no, it's NOT about the Olympics. There's enough people going on about the Olympics already; plus I've been kinda apathetic about sports, mainly due to one of the teachers, Ms Lim, in primary school - she would not let us do any sports because "it's distracting" and we should "focus merely on studies". The point is, I'm not that big on the whole Olympics thingy. Im happy for the country regardless.. somewhat.. deep down i'm sure.. but umm.. today, I just wanted to say, that, on a totally unrelated, yet happier note, I went to Singapore, and fell in love with it.
And damnit the computer turned itself off, and now my inspiration all went away. My sincere aplogies. Now this post is stuck at I went to singapore.
Weak.
P.S: I swear I'd delete it sometime during the week before I go hit the capital for work. Oh Gwad help me, I really don't want to be runover by the crowd over there. Seriously
2008年7月20日星期日
2008年5月31日星期六
Frost2
As different as it might seem, when writing, the happy side of me vanishes, and reveals a serious, unflappable me. Deep inside, I'm really not as happy as I think I am. Maybe everyone feels the same way, and they just never show it. Humans are 2-faced species. Perhaps 2 faces is an understatement. We use whatever faces we deem necessary for the situation. Language and clothing displays are primary tools of deceit. And smile?
I am writing this and my greater internal organs reared up in some great amount of painingly extreme revolutionizing reaction as I tried to recall what I heard and saw today.
I am writing this and my greater internal organs reared up in some great amount of painingly extreme revolutionizing reaction as I tried to recall what I heard and saw today.
I'm sitting here at Cabin, my friend Joyce's "secret place" (it's really really hard to find), sipping on my Irish Coffee (it's good coffee, and you can actually taste the alcohol in it - I sometimes feel hypnotized watching the blue flame when she was making it). Quite lethargic, I'm feeling, maybe I should take a nap soon. Although I do still have the essay to work on --basically even though I was the "excellent graduate" of this Chinese school, since my tutor never bothered to lift a finger to look at my essay or to even give any suggestions, the review board thought I "didn't pay much attention", so they'd need me to make more changes. So I called my tutor...
Me: "So the review board asked me to make some more changes for my essay. Do you have time to meet up and discuss?"
Her: "But I'm so busy!"
Me: " I don't care. I need this essay to graduate."
Her:" Didn't you have an essay that won some awards? You can use it to graduate"
Me:" It's not the same. I need to make changes in THIS essay."
Her:" But I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."
Me:" I don't care. I need you to find time for me"
Her:"How about this, I'll find you some other teachers, so you can ask them to make changes for you."
Me:" What if they don't have time?"
Her: "I'll find some other teacher"
Me: "You know, if you were that busy, why didn't you tell me in the first place that you couldn't be my tutor?"
Her: "...you don't seem to have the right attitude"
Me: "I'll try to work on it"
------------------the END--------------------
Apparently, as a good Chinese student/excellent graduate, I need NOT to talk back and just "behave" and do whatever I'm told to do. Later on that phone call she went on to say how she heard from some other teacher complaining how i "never" had the right attitude to study, for example "didn't do well in Japanese class" when half of the semester i was involved in all kinds of competition they made me go. Anyways, I shouldn't be complaining. I'm just gonna play along and be as submissive as I can, and give them the finger after getting that piece of paper. It just sucks how my "glorious excellent graduate" life ends.
These days I'm having a bit trouble having faith in people. The other day my friend Matt was telling me how in his company, there were many pretty girls - which I'd think is a bonus to the job - and they are shamelessly open. Maybe guys dig that, I dunno. He said some of the girls in his company would wear super short skirts and would deliberately lift them up to people behind, and say "yes, this is my pantie, peek away"; and the women in the company- with almost NO EXCEPTION, sleep with as many men as possible, and according to them, the more people you sleep with, the faster you'll climb to the top in the company. I know it might be the general fact in every company, but when I have it thrown at me, the bare fact, it still gets me. Maybe it's just part of growing up--sad, pathetic, knowing there's nothing you can do but let it be.
And I've come down to this...
People... would stop to hold their hands. Heavy weight placed on sleek fingers. The words we speak to each other might seem less and trivial with time, and the happenings we have taken part in would pass fast before we even realize it. I wish someone could answer the essential question to what fills all, to what fills everything that is nothing and forces us to become more. I know I spent hours looking at your hard face and almost threatening you into telling me if you understood. In the end, I did. You still would provide no answers.
All which remains: stale sheets, broken candles and some smothered old letters which will only make you cry. My own eyes are dry now, having forgotten your name.
Distance would never have bothered me this much, but it had to be the distance of your heart.
2008年1月11日星期五
So, 2008...
I really don't understand why I don't ever learn: I typed out a whole.. at length.. new post.. published it.. only to find it's gone again. Copy and paste, copy and paste. Why do this thing called "backup" never occure to me when writing? Thankfully in other places it's clearly carved in my mind. Thank gawd it is!( yes, it's another story, if you have to know)
So in the name of new year's resolution--believe me, I usually don't do new year's resolution--I've decided to finish all my old posts here in Diva's DnR. Last year I was deeply involved with work and traveling that I hardly had time to quiet down and write--I have rather a high standard for the writing enviroment, or... had, as for now I'm sitting in my messy bedroom wrapped in a black and white blanket, with an extremely loud AC(blame the Philippines for it), breathing the dusty, filthy air in haunted Manila, so much to say about my writing enviroment. I heard there were some good places around Metro Manila area, though, I just need to make the time and check it out. Batangas is nice, I heard, with white beach and they have wonderful scuba-diving resorts. If I need to be fair, as long as you're not stuck in the old rusty Chinatown areas, Manila's actually a nice place full of surprises. Anyway, enough about that. My point is, since writing is such an intimate thing to me, I need to reach inside and empty myself, thus explains why I need a quite and undisturbed place.
I practically stopped writing here since last september, other than my busy schedule, another main reason was, that I turned whiny and started using my friends as trashcans, so lots of the ideas went to them instead of staying with me. But this site was created as to cut myself open, slaughter my thoughts on the table in my morgue, and my mind had been stuffed with too many other things to feel guilty and thus to write. You shall cut others open more then, they say. Alright, I could.
As it is for me, my new year abroad is far from dull, for I was busily involved in the filipino kids' "new year tradition" of throwing firecrackers at the foreigners. Lots of "AHH!""FOR FUCK'S SAKE!""DAMN ITS HOT!""..." and screaming going on, so it wasn't a quiet night. I was just reliving my friend Rorie's Beijing New Year's Eve (BTW dude if you were reading.. thanks for the headsup!), as he was greeted by Beijingers fireworks--I guess this tradition's international(?). Around midnight time Manila's blossoming in beautiful fireworks( personally I've never seen that many fireworks in my entire life), accompanied with the locals singing and dancing. One thing I love about the filipinos is how happy they always are. The poorer, the merrier. Enjoy the moments, sing and dance the troubles away. You don't see that often in China, or many other countries for that matter, where only the rich are seemingly having their corrupted fun, no share for the poor!
Other than my loud and colorful new year's eve/day, life's back to normal. If I am enlightened in the course of the day I shall write forthwith of the epiphanies that occur to me.
In the end, in this new blog of this supposedly glorious new year, I'd like to thank you all for reading, even though it's pathetically empty, yet you were here, left your comments, and therefore I'm grateful. I shall keep going, keep living, keep writing.
Happy 2008!
the Diva
So in the name of new year's resolution--believe me, I usually don't do new year's resolution--I've decided to finish all my old posts here in Diva's DnR. Last year I was deeply involved with work and traveling that I hardly had time to quiet down and write--I have rather a high standard for the writing enviroment, or... had, as for now I'm sitting in my messy bedroom wrapped in a black and white blanket, with an extremely loud AC(blame the Philippines for it), breathing the dusty, filthy air in haunted Manila, so much to say about my writing enviroment. I heard there were some good places around Metro Manila area, though, I just need to make the time and check it out. Batangas is nice, I heard, with white beach and they have wonderful scuba-diving resorts. If I need to be fair, as long as you're not stuck in the old rusty Chinatown areas, Manila's actually a nice place full of surprises. Anyway, enough about that. My point is, since writing is such an intimate thing to me, I need to reach inside and empty myself, thus explains why I need a quite and undisturbed place.
I practically stopped writing here since last september, other than my busy schedule, another main reason was, that I turned whiny and started using my friends as trashcans, so lots of the ideas went to them instead of staying with me. But this site was created as to cut myself open, slaughter my thoughts on the table in my morgue, and my mind had been stuffed with too many other things to feel guilty and thus to write. You shall cut others open more then, they say. Alright, I could.
As it is for me, my new year abroad is far from dull, for I was busily involved in the filipino kids' "new year tradition" of throwing firecrackers at the foreigners. Lots of "AHH!""FOR FUCK'S SAKE!""DAMN ITS HOT!""..." and screaming going on, so it wasn't a quiet night. I was just reliving my friend Rorie's Beijing New Year's Eve (BTW dude if you were reading.. thanks for the headsup!), as he was greeted by Beijingers fireworks--I guess this tradition's international(?). Around midnight time Manila's blossoming in beautiful fireworks( personally I've never seen that many fireworks in my entire life), accompanied with the locals singing and dancing. One thing I love about the filipinos is how happy they always are. The poorer, the merrier. Enjoy the moments, sing and dance the troubles away. You don't see that often in China, or many other countries for that matter, where only the rich are seemingly having their corrupted fun, no share for the poor!
Other than my loud and colorful new year's eve/day, life's back to normal. If I am enlightened in the course of the day I shall write forthwith of the epiphanies that occur to me.
In the end, in this new blog of this supposedly glorious new year, I'd like to thank you all for reading, even though it's pathetically empty, yet you were here, left your comments, and therefore I'm grateful. I shall keep going, keep living, keep writing.
Happy 2008!
the Diva
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