On a happier note..

So, on a totally unrelated note -- oh, no no, it's NOT about the Olympics. There's enough people going on about the Olympics already; plus I've been kinda apathetic about sports, mainly due to one of the teachers, Ms Lim, in primary school - she would not let us do any sports because "it's distracting" and we should "focus merely on studies". The point is, I'm not that big on the whole Olympics thingy. Im happy for the country regardless.. somewhat.. deep down i'm sure.. but umm.. today, I just wanted to say, that, on a totally unrelated, yet happier note, I went to Singapore, and fell in love with it.

And damnit the computer turned itself off, and now my inspiration all went away. My sincere aplogies. Now this post is stuck at I went to singapore.

Weak.

P.S: I swear I'd delete it sometime during the week before I go hit the capital for work. Oh Gwad help me, I really don't want to be runover by the crowd over there. Seriously

Frost2

As different as it might seem, when writing, the happy side of me vanishes, and reveals a serious, unflappable me. Deep inside, I'm really not as happy as I think I am. Maybe everyone feels the same way, and they just never show it. Humans are 2-faced species. Perhaps 2 faces is an understatement. We use whatever faces we deem necessary for the situation. Language and clothing displays are primary tools of deceit. And smile?

I am writing this and my greater internal organs reared up in some great amount of painingly extreme revolutionizing reaction as I tried to recall what I heard and saw today.

I'm sitting here at Cabin, my friend Joyce's "secret place" (it's really really hard to find), sipping on my Irish Coffee (it's good coffee, and you can actually taste the alcohol in it - I sometimes feel hypnotized watching the blue flame when she was making it). Quite lethargic, I'm feeling, maybe I should take a nap soon. Although I do still have the essay to work on --basically even though I was the "excellent graduate" of this Chinese school, since my tutor never bothered to lift a finger to look at my essay or to even give any suggestions, the review board thought I "didn't pay much attention", so they'd need me to make more changes. So I called my tutor...

Me: "So the review board asked me to make some more changes for my essay. Do you have time to meet up and discuss?"
Her: "But I'm so busy!"
Me: " I don't care. I need this essay to graduate."
Her:" Didn't you have an essay that won some awards? You can use it to graduate"
Me:" It's not the same. I need to make changes in THIS essay."
Her:" But I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."
Me:" I don't care. I need you to find time for me"
Her:"How about this, I'll find you some other teachers, so you can ask them to make changes for you."
Me:" What if they don't have time?"
Her: "I'll find some other teacher"
Me: "You know, if you were that busy, why didn't you tell me in the first place that you couldn't be my tutor?"
Her: "...you don't seem to have the right attitude"
Me: "I'll try to work on it"
------------------the END--------------------

Apparently, as a good Chinese student/excellent graduate, I need NOT to talk back and just "behave" and do whatever I'm told to do. Later on that phone call she went on to say how she heard from some other teacher complaining how i "never" had the right attitude to study, for example "didn't do well in Japanese class" when half of the semester i was involved in all kinds of competition they made me go. Anyways, I shouldn't be complaining. I'm just gonna play along and be as submissive as I can, and give them the finger after getting that piece of paper. It just sucks how my "glorious excellent graduate" life ends.

These days I'm having a bit trouble having faith in people. The other day my friend Matt was telling me how in his company, there were many pretty girls - which I'd think is a bonus to the job - and they are shamelessly open. Maybe guys dig that, I dunno. He said some of the girls in his company would wear super short skirts and would deliberately lift them up to people behind, and say "yes, this is my pantie, peek away"; and the women in the company- with almost NO EXCEPTION, sleep with as many men as possible, and according to them, the more people you sleep with, the faster you'll climb to the top in the company. I know it might be the general fact in every company, but when I have it thrown at me, the bare fact, it still gets me. Maybe it's just part of growing up--sad, pathetic, knowing there's nothing you can do but let it be.

And I've come down to this...

People... would stop to hold their hands. Heavy weight placed on sleek fingers. The words we speak to each other might seem less and trivial with time, and the happenings we have taken part in would pass fast before we even realize it. I wish someone could answer the essential question to what fills all, to what fills everything that is nothing and forces us to become more. I know I spent hours looking at your hard face and almost threatening you into telling me if you understood. In the end, I did. You still would provide no answers.

Realize now, many and everything I write, have written, will write... is odes to memories going to be forgotten. Understand this, I shall not answer to questions given, because you will never even be able to do the same. I owe you nothing of the sort.

All which remains: stale sheets, broken candles and some smothered old letters which will only make you cry. My own eyes are dry now, having forgotten your name.

Distance would never have bothered me this much, but it had to be the distance of your heart.

So, 2008...

I really don't understand why I don't ever learn: I typed out a whole.. at length.. new post.. published it.. only to find it's gone again. Copy and paste, copy and paste. Why do this thing called "backup" never occure to me when writing? Thankfully in other places it's clearly carved in my mind. Thank gawd it is!( yes, it's another story, if you have to know)

So in the name of new year's resolution--believe me, I usually don't do new year's resolution--I've decided to finish all my old posts here in Diva's DnR. Last year I was deeply involved with work and traveling that I hardly had time to quiet down and write--I have rather a high standard for the writing enviroment, or... had, as for now I'm sitting in my messy bedroom wrapped in a black and white blanket, with an extremely loud AC(blame the Philippines for it), breathing the dusty, filthy air in haunted Manila, so much to say about my writing enviroment. I heard there were some good places around Metro Manila area, though, I just need to make the time and check it out. Batangas is nice, I heard, with white beach and they have wonderful scuba-diving resorts. If I need to be fair, as long as you're not stuck in the old rusty Chinatown areas, Manila's actually a nice place full of surprises. Anyway, enough about that. My point is, since writing is such an intimate thing to me, I need to reach inside and empty myself, thus explains why I need a quite and undisturbed place.

I practically stopped writing here since last september, other than my busy schedule, another main reason was, that I turned whiny and started using my friends as trashcans, so lots of the ideas went to them instead of staying with me. But this site was created as to cut myself open, slaughter my thoughts on the table in my morgue, and my mind had been stuffed with too many other things to feel guilty and thus to write. You shall cut others open more then, they say. Alright, I could.

As it is for me, my new year abroad is far from dull, for I was busily involved in the filipino kids' "new year tradition" of throwing firecrackers at the foreigners. Lots of "AHH!""FOR FUCK'S SAKE!""DAMN ITS HOT!""..." and screaming going on, so it wasn't a quiet night. I was just reliving my friend Rorie's Beijing New Year's Eve (BTW dude if you were reading.. thanks for the headsup!), as he was greeted by Beijingers fireworks--I guess this tradition's international(?). Around midnight time Manila's blossoming in beautiful fireworks( personally I've never seen that many fireworks in my entire life), accompanied with the locals singing and dancing. One thing I love about the filipinos is how happy they always are. The poorer, the merrier. Enjoy the moments, sing and dance the troubles away. You don't see that often in China, or many other countries for that matter, where only the rich are seemingly having their corrupted fun, no share for the poor!

Other than my loud and colorful new year's eve/day, life's back to normal. If I am enlightened in the course of the day I shall write forthwith of the epiphanies that occur to me.

In the end, in this new blog of this supposedly glorious new year, I'd like to thank you all for reading, even though it's pathetically empty, yet you were here, left your comments, and therefore I'm grateful. I shall keep going, keep living, keep writing.


Happy 2008!

the Diva

Frost

Her name's Faye.

She was quite a star in Miami, the bar, of course. I used to see her dancing up on the stage, swinging her head and gasping, gluing to the cute guy that looks down on her anxiously and eagerly, hiding his deepest, most original desires behind his ambiguous smile, and ran his fingers from her neck, back, to the nice little dent that runs smoothly to her ass. She's got a nice asian girl's ass. Small, but somewhat pointy. It's like you can just grab her left (or right) ass cheek with one hand, and find it with satisfaction of its softness and also the tingly feeling it gives you to every pores of yours and get them to open up, absorb all the tensity and sensation that's floating so shallowly in the air, tempting him to kiss her, to touch the original sin.

Yes, Faye knows how to attract all the guys' attention, not with her face, though, her exceptionally high cheek bones do intimidate people for some reasons, especially there's the rumor about girls with high cheek bones will complicate the life of the guy she's with. Faye knew how to attract them by wearing shockingly revealing clothes, with her reputation of being an easy target and hot in bed, and also her sexy Chinese eyes seducing every possible prey of hers

The lucky ones that fall into her catalog are the guys that are

a) Guys that are rich
b) Guys that seem rich
c) Guys that seem to be willing to flaunt money on his women

So, overall, the $$$ guys.

to be continued...

yes, i know, again to be continued...

not too much in a writing mood with my stomache tryin 2 kill me

the Diva

Honesty

"On the subway headed home today, I felt a sense of shame. I realized I had long clung to a simple axiom: say what comes into your head, for this is called honesty. Honesty was good, and if we were honest and therefore good, others would be good, too. And out of this honest conversation a miraculous truth would arise. But there I was, ashamed, alone and full of cheap wine and gazing at subway ads. It occurred to me for the first time that truth was not the same as impulse.

This recognition was real but initially fleeting. Later my friend ribbed me for what I'd said. When her ribbing irked me, I retorted, 'well, it's true isn't it? I mean, we all do die alone.'

She shook her head and smiled, 'truth has nothing to do with it.'

She said this with her unusual calm forbearance, but in the turn of an instant I went away from Youth.

Being young I had needed judgement to make myself distinct, because honesty was the way to judgement, I said whatever came to me, thinking the speed and the plent of my words made them true. I'd confused honesty with expedience.

And the way to the future was illuminated."

Well, that was me, 2 years ago. So innocent that I can hardly remember once being like that. I've grown colder (maybe in a less agressive term, calmer?), more multi-sided that people who ''think'' they used to know me got sad because they don't recognize me anymore. Not that they did either way. We all live under certain shells, I've just got more than one. Most people won't even bother to know me, or they're only willing to lie to themselves that they do. I feel like a man sometimes, I'm only sensual at times, most of the other time I don't need emotion to guide my feelings, or to pretend to be my invisible friend. Therefore women normally dislike me, and believe me I even had an Arizona gal yelled at me the first 5 mins she met me, calling me an arrogant bitch when she was the one talking and got carried away. It seemed more like she was mad at herself. Guys... well... most of the brainless ones can only drool over the image they got of me and say Damn Baby you're smoking hot; and some of the ones with certain brain would waste no time to kill their remaining brain cells and let hormones totally take control; very few stays, and fewer knows my ture form.

So I got to ponder a little bit more on what I wrote couple days ago. "Ponder," as my friend David would say, "is the word for people over 50 years old." I feel like a 50-year-old sometimes, mind wise; but no worries, I can still move like a 15 year old, and in the bedroom... oh God I'm just a woman in her prime, with her sexuality maturing, blossoming, and when a man makes me purr like a cat.. moan, scream, writhe...well ok let's face it I'm a slut in the bedroom. Thing is, as it is for me, that side is reserved for the man who is between my legs in the bedroom. Men respect the woman who is a slut in the bedroom. Not one who is outside of it. And as a woman we should remember that too. Because whether if we like it or not, if we want a good reputation, "social-purposely'' or whatever, that respect is important. As for feminists have found out, we can't change the damn rules of the game--it's still the way the world works.


Although I think women should all be slutty in their bedrooms. If I was a guy I would not be interested in a woman who wasn't slutty once she spread her legs - but the fact is, when she spreads her legs to too many guys - esp guys who know each other - well, then she goes from being slutty only when she opens her legs to being merely slutty. I think most of the women, really need to check carefully on the implications of sleeping within men within a closed circle. I would always recommend that a women should never fuck guys who know each other. Even 2 is too many. Keep your men from knowing each other, because that's the minimum respect a man expects. If insult him by sleeping with someone he knows, ultimately the men will get together and brand you a slut, and let every other man in their circle know it... That is just how it works.... And if the number of men who know each other is more, the reputational damage is exponentially increased.

The point is, when you are "easy" with one man, and he talks about you - and his friends try to lay you, but you dont give in (cos you know its within his circle), then the talk about you dies, because they cannot verify his remarks, and in fact probably think he was making it up, since you were definitely not "easy" to them. However, the moment you give in to another man in the circle - the fact that you are "easy" is verified, and the damage is irreparable. There is no point trying to fix it. The only choice you have is to leave that group forever, and hope that no one from it ever mixes with any of your future friends again.

Yet it still brings to light how I think the whole monogamy thing is rather hypocritical if you ask me. I mean look at the human history, it's always the weak ones that have to share with the strong ones, when the strong ones always take control. Easy example, back in the ancient time, emperors always had ''more than 3000'' girls waiting in his back-palace hoping to be found and caressed and therefore to be able to breed. That doesn't only happen when there's one alpha male taking control. In the kingdom ruled by women, where women were the king, their ''wives'' were a whole bunch of guys, as well. Affection, love, relationships, they are only things/chemicals we created in the back of our head, like hormone, like adrenalin. Women all over the world...are fascinated by "bad boys" by traditional standard, bikers, rock stars, etc. And most of the time they end up crying bout how they cheated on them when they KNEW he would. She can't fight that. The human rules never triumph the nature rules. We use the rules the standards to tie ourselves up, to set boundaries on ourselves, and therefore most of us live in denial. Truth about truth is... well.. it hurts.. so alot of people would prefer not to know the truth and live in their little lies/lives, do good deeds, be a good person. That would work. For commoners. For the alpha males/females, therefore, would be a totally a different story.


Anyways.

In my earlier blog, I raised a point about Asian girls and white men. As I saw in manila, - its not limited to China - all asian countries , have a situation where white men are idolised and considered better than the local men on several fronts. This is partly media made and partly colonial legacy. Media - because US made movies, fashion and culture still more or less rule the global markets. Most Asian society's ideas of good looks (white, square jawed, rugged) celebrities, models, fashion gurus etc are actually lapped up from the West. I mean I am sure there are local actors who are better looking than Brad Pitt and and have bodies as good or better. So why some foreign actor? Because american media pervades the airwaves and suggests its the best. So it is with China and South East Asia.

The other aspect is that many Asians idolise life in the west and think that westerners have great lives and lots of money, and can take the girls out of their dreary existence into a much better life in the USA or Europe. The fact is few of the whites in Asia really command exceptional money or lifestyles. Back home they would be perfectly ordinary. But given the deprived circumstances of most Asian nations, they appear to be very rich when in Asia. A lot of the girls would be very disappointed if they could see what sort of a life the guy actually led back home and what sort of background he had. Another feature of this is that Asian men typically do not spend so much on entertaining their women as western men do, cos western men typically dont save much at all. They come from social safety net countries which will pay them money if they run out of money. Asian men dont have that luxury. So western men will splurge on wine and expensive gifts to impress women. Asian men of the same income group will save the money or invest it and take the same woman to a much simpler meal. If the woman is silly and impressionable, she will be taken in by the ways of the white guy. The funny thing is, long term, the tight-fisted Asian guy would offer her a much better life - having invested wisely in housing, stocks and insurance, while the white guy would come to old age with much less to offer - having burned most of his income up in flashy consumerism... But then, women are dumb, and they just see "oh he spends so much on me - he must care for me more" and flock around the white boys.

But that's just something I wanted to say in General. Of course there are exceptions. There always are. You just need to be smart enough to spot them.


For me in the other hand, I understand how some asians are very attractive, yet I'm just not attracted to them at all. My interest towards the black got ruined by some potential rapists so I'm very much stuck. O well I'm THE diva so I guess I'd live like with that curse.

I honestly don't have anything against the whiteys, honestly so far they are still the race that are most interesting to me. Well, Ok colors dont really matter, they only make up for the catalog like all the other races yet it stands out to me. I am judgemental, not towards what you are, but who you are, and simply based on my observations, and they can be changed. Like in CSI, guy said " Identity is the totality of our life experiences, and our brain neurons process our relationship to the world and each other. DNA is what we are, not who we are. What we are never changes, who we are never stops changing."

I'm just not stagnant, never have, never will be.


So as for some people think I introspect way too much? Well, introspection is always good. As long as its done for a purpose and not merely to wallow in self-analysis. It should lead to concrete action. I certainly can be, and are different from a lot of women. I still think I have the class to be devastatingly effective without being in the least uncouth. And I'd always remember chasing my prey as a woman has to be done with a certain grace and finesse to ensure I dont come across as crude. There is nothing as repulsive as a crude woman making passes at guys.

So to speak.

before you reads on, this is rather a private, personal, intimate blog, where I tend to think since it's confidential, I can keep a diary online as long as this site dont get hacked. Not to come here to scream, to yelp or what not, nor to flag and proudly shows off my personal life to close friends, i'm just here for myself, and for those who kindly reads, and leave a comment or two.

So, I've been recalling, observing, listening, and reading alot about Chinese women, how some of them find it impossible to resist western guys, white crackers mostly. I got a mail from my friend in Canada who just got back from shanghai telling me how easy women could be at his mercy. Any age, any time, any where. Of course and how he thinks Chinese women are hot lovers, simply bcuz once you got them to spread their legs, they become slutty whores. It stroke me, I thought bout me, started to wonder if I ever was one of them. I know I've always looked down on the choices people like Faye( I'd elaborate on that later) made, those gold diggers, those girls who are so desperate to settle down. And there I wondered, how different am I to them?! I had people talking to me aboutFaye, how cheap/cheesy/easy she can be. What if people talk to each other bout me with the same tone?! I've always been proud of who I am and what I do. I'm a decent person, I don't feel ashamed of the decisions I make, or the things I do. But then I look and think about these girls who are indulgent and gullible enough to let these people, mostly twice or thrice their age to take advantage of them, and then I felt a sense of shame. They r pretty much tricked, no matter if they're half willingly, into the situation to be taken advantage of and they let just it happen right to their face. So I thought about me, who i always thought was nothing like any other regular Chinese gals you might see in China-- but maybe I'm not as cultured as I thought, or as beautiful a mix of east and west, LOL. And I remembered.. the time when I was sitting in the bars in Shanghai, letting the music, the dimmed light took me high, the time when I let go of myself..I could feel those guys whose sight lingered on my face, my lips, my breast, my hips, and heard them whistle as I walked by..things got hazy.. I don't know how to feel back then, yet I remember I let it controlled me, and changed into a fox-alike creature and just went after my preys.


Most of my ''friends'' think this self-inflection is waaayy beyond necessary and most of them do still think i do this waay too often. I simply want to keep myself on my toes so I don't become stagnant, or too satisfied with whatever situation I might be in. What makes me stand out from most of the other women, is probably that I'm aware. I'm aware of what's going on, and I'm willing to speak up, stand out, and most Chinese women lack that kind of ability or confidence. I'm also rather open minded too, for I can always convert these outside message and info to something I can learn from, absorb it before the possibility to toss it away. So that might reflect on my taste on guys. Unlike most people (girls i mean) who are waiting to be chased, I'm not afraid to chase after my preys. That might scare alot of people off, as we all know most guys like girls that are.. you know..girls. Guys like to feel powerful and know that are taking the lead. I can make them feel that way, too, just not without losing myself. I like guys that are aware, of who they are, what they want, people with distinct desire/needs instead of little pussies who have great difficulty choosing what tie should they wear. Basically people that I can fish something out of, or in better terms, to learn something from. But sometimes, as I recall, I was cruel enough to toss them away after finding out they were nothing but an empty shell and thus my words towards them became fierce, which I kinda regret, I mean, they didn't really do anything wrong. I just had my eyes on wrong people, or i had done fishing. It sounds unbelievably selfish, as if i was some Nazi harvesting Jews for their skin just so that I can make lamps. Very inappropriate metaphor but its almost 2 am so I'd try not to be too hard on myself. That's another problem with me, I make excuses for myself. We all do, but as for someone who's almost harsh on herself, I shouldn't make as many as most others do.

so here's where I got stuck at. After all these mumbling about myself, I still can't clearly come to an conclusion whether am I like these women, these women who's been played on, or am I just lying to myself that I'm not, or maybe, just maybe, that I could be the one that's right?

to be continued...

So the Self-Slaughter begins

Alrightie. Since I'm new to this thing, I thought I might as well make it clear this would be a place where I emotionally ''slaughter'' myself, and sometimes my own people. I'm a rather weird mix of the West and the East. Self-slaughter-oriented being one.

But I AM the Diva.

To.. sum up, this is a blog, of the Diva's Destruction and Reconstruction. Enjoy..

Diva
written before the slaugter begins....